As you may already know, failure is inevitable. I’m sure by the time you’re reading this you’ve done it many times. What if, instead of dreading it, fearing it with all your might, you practiced embracing it? Thinking of it as an experiment.
If you’re anything like me you may feel as though you would rather do anything than make a bad first impression, say something you didn’t mean, or park in the wrong spot. I’m not sure where exactly the idea of perfectionism came from but growing up it sounded to me as though it was a trait you wanted to have. Like you were just a little more on it if you would do anything to get something done in a perfect manner without wasting time failing. Perfectionism was what I thought was those kids in class who always got A’s or were great at sports because they had a knack for hard work and determination that would never fail them if they considered themselves a “perfectionist”. Then I realized that this wasn’t the case at all. I bet some of you may have already gotten this concept early on in life and for that I am happy for you…it took me a while to grasp and I still am working to abolish it in my mind.
Perfectionism isn’t a glamorous adjective but perhaps one of the most detrimental ways of thinking and acting you could have. For me perfectionism was image focused, it was more about how I looked doing something than it was me actually doing a good job or really caring about my work. In school it was easy to pretend everything was going well if I could just look the part. I desperately tried to look perfect, act perfect, dress perfect. I even got that feedback from the people around me and it helped fuel my perfectionism. Then, it turned into me quitting things because I messed up. I quit my first attempt at a sport, volleyball in middle school because I was too afraid of letting my team down. Even though I really liked playing I became crippled by the thought of making people angry if I messed up. I absolutely loved theatre ever since I was in elementary. I performed in every play I could until my 6th grade year when I starred in Sleeping Beauty, after a small stage mishap and forgetting a couple lines. I made a vow to myself to never be in a play again even though I loved it. I continued to take theatre classes up until high school but I decided I wasn’t perfect enough to do another big school play, so I didn’t my fear of messing up again stopped me. I gave up because I thought I had to be perfect in order to participate.
Thinking back at these very strong vows I made to myself when I was so young, pains me. What I didn’t see at the time was that my idea of myself being “perfect” was actually me not taking risks to do the things I cared about because of my crippling fear of failure, I gave up instead of trying again. I confused messing up with my identity and felt if I wasn’t perfect then I was unlovable, bad at things, stupid, and all the other self deprecation descriptors we give ourselves. As I’ve gotten older and learned more about the choices I make and why I choose them I have begun to see why failure, or messing up can be something I can tell myself a different story about. So, what if you take away the fear and replaced it with curiosity, with non-judgement? Decide that when you mess up it is a way to collect data to do better next time, take it as if it is a step closer to making it. Perhaps allow yourself to be messy about it. Purely experience the “failure” for what it is, an experience.
If you’re not failing in some ways you’re probably not trying. Putting yourself out there and living up to the values you want in life requires messing up. Risk is required to live authentically, in doing so you do open yourself up for criticism but also to many possibilities that you can’t have when you’re too afraid to try. Perhaps even the criticism is an opportunity to get better or to practice not allowing others to tear down your self worth, like water off a duck’s back. Learn to be ok with being a beginner, it may serve you much more than having the expectation that you have to be perfect or the best or what ever else you think you “should” be.
In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few. -Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind : Informal Talks on Zen Meditation and Practice’ Shunryu Suzuki
I’ve come up with a list of 5 things to fail at to help you see a few reasons why it is an important and dare I say a great thing to fail.
- A relationship: A failed relationship can be incredibly painful, but it can be an important way to learn about yourself, what you want in life, and a reason to choose you. Whether it is a friendship or romantic, failing at a relationships forces you to redirect where your life can go and re orient possibility in your life.
- A job: If we never fail at a job or quit when we realize something isn’t for us, in some capacity we may end up staying somewhere for too long. Or we don’t get the chance to grow into something better meant for us because we were too afraid to reach out on a limb a try something that really excites us.
- Something you created:Make something and let it be trash. A piece of art, a piece of writing, pottery. Sometimes I’ll paint something and hate it, over time I start to feel less attached to my emotions about it. I often end up really loving a piece because I sat with it and got to know it for what it is and even grow to appreciate its imperfection. We can also practice this with other things in life. Try sitting with something you’ve messed up, view it from outside yourself, at the end of the day it probably isn’t as bad as your judgement of it is.
- A first date: I love this one because if you go into a date without so much seriousness attached to it and let yourself have fun, and get to know someone new, you may find a new reason to appreciate dating.
- A new hobby: Try a new hobby and let yourself be bad at it. I imagine that learning a new craft or hobby will have a learning curve. For instance, I recently got an espresso machine for Christmas and I have been so looking forward to learning how to make latte art, and damn I suck at it. But that’s ok because I have never done it before, how can I expect to be perfect at it ? Good things take time, and patience.
I hope this may have offered some insight into how you can choose to think about failing and use it to your advantage. At the end of the day, try not to take yourself so seriously. We have so much more opportunity for growth when we allow ourselves to mess up. It may not feel like it in the moment but it is possible to change your mind about failing. You are so much more capable than you think, and messing up in life is another way we can show ourselves how to try again and get better. All you have to do is show up, I bet you will surprise yourself.
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